Dear Daddy,

Hi Daddy, I know I haven't written in a long time. I have been avoiding this journal because I don't want to cry, and you make me cry, Daddy. I know you don't do it on purpose, but it just hurts so much to know you wont actually read this and writing to you seems to make me miss you more. I just want to call you. I want you to come back. I'm lost without you, Daddy. I don't know what to do and no one is 100% on my side like you are. I feel like the best part of my life has happened already, and I don't want to reach anymore important milestones without you here. I don't like this. I hate feeling this way. I just need you to come back.  And I know if you were here you'd say, "I'm not coming back", and to "keep moving forward" and that if it helps me to think that "one day" we'd be together again then keep that in the back of my mind, but focus on other things while I am "waiting" for that potential rea...

Hi Daddy, Today, driving home to Waltham from NH the four songs I played for you on your last day played in a row on Spotify. What are the odds? I have thousands of songs. Those 4 played, one after the other. It started with Lullaby, thanks for that. Each one got a bit easier, and when it was over you played 3 more Billy Joel songs that I belted out the choruses to. Love you. Miss you. Wish you could come back soon. Love, Alexa

Hi Daddy, I wrote this yesterday before I finally came downstairs for dessert. Today is just a shitty Thursday It isn't Thanksgiving I feel like shit and am still in my pajamas It's been four days since my last shower. I don't want to eat unless it's by myself No happiness should be felt What I was most thankful for is gone You won't be at the table So I'm not celebrating Today I'll stay in bed and  ignore it all Today is just a shitty Thursday Love, Alexa

I am made of steel. My dad should be here today. Everything is fine.

Hi Daddy, I saw Hanson the other night at the Orpheum. The last time I was there was with you and mom to see Phantom of the Opera. I remember how the chandelier fell at the very beginning, and I was scared I jumped up onto your lap (and got a nosebleed). You joked that you shouldn't have bought me a ticket, because I spent the entire show sitting on your lap. My seats for Hanson were not too far from our seats at Phantom. The show was amazing, Daddy. They had a full orchestra and some new songs, but did a lot of their "old songs" with the orchestra...and it was phenomenal. I wish I could relive that concert, or see it again. I don't think I will experience something quite like it again. I only cried a tiny bit, Daddy. Nothing crazy at all. In fact, I cried more when they were at House of Blues last year. As beautiful as it would sound to hear "With You In Your Dreams" or "I Will Come to You" with an orchestra, I am glad I didn't. I wanted t...

Hi Daddy, Can you tell the universe to relax for a minute? I know I  am strong but I am not strong enough for all of this. Losing you, having to move, new (icky but more expensive) apartment, MIA ex-roommate that owes money but the collections agency is calling me, getting dumped over a text, struggling at work, losing "friends", signing up for a grief support group and then having it be cancelled, medical bills, car repairs, student loans....there is no more room on my plate, Daddy. I have a freaking serving tray full, and I'm about to drop it all. Need you to do whatever it is you can do wherever you are to help me fix this one. Thanks. Love, Alexa

Daddy, it's not fair. I only got 33 years with you. That's not enough. You didn't get to walk me down the aisle, or see me get my PhD, or discuss the election (like wtf do I do about question 1???), or be a grandfather, or celebrate your 65th birthday next year with us in Costa Rica like we'd been planning behind Mom's back, or a million other things we could have done. Thanksgivings, birthdays, vacations, rallies, shows, fire truck museums...you're going to miss so many things, Daddy. You missed my trip to Morocco. You're missing the opportunity to talk me down right now. I could really use you now. I just want this to not be real. I feel like everyone just wants me to be okay and be "healed" already. I don't think this is something someone can "heal" from. Do I just have to not think about it and that's how I get through it? Ignore the fact that you're not here for the rest of my life so that I can be "okay...

Hi Daddy, Nothing's wrong. I just wanted to talk. Is it always going to feel this way? I was thinking in the car on my drive home, I didn't realize how naive and unaware I was. No matter how many countries I've traveled to, rooftops I've climb on, horrible first dates I've had, questionable decisions I've made in public, or dance floors I've pelvic thrusted on, I was blissfully unaware of the true dangers in this world. I can handle myself in a dark alley or parking lot. I can deal with creepy guys that need to be reminded how to behave. I can help a convicted murderer work through her PTSD. I can teach parents how to be better parents. I can convince 6th graders to stay in school one more year before choosing to drop out and be a drug dealer in the inner city.  I can take up issue with one of the worlds richest people and biggest companies and not settle for less. But this? I can't handle this. Before you died, I had no idea how awful things rea...

Hey Daddy, Can you come check the vent in my bathroom? It's making a weird metallic sound and I need you to come down here and look at it, wiggle the vent a bit, and then tell me to call my landlord. Did you see that the Red Sox are in the World Series? I was in the room during two of the games and they lost, but last night I was in the room and I wasn't watching and they won! I reversed my curse! I'm glad you aren't able to watch the games, because I think you would have definitely had another heart attack. I'm not trying to be funny, but just like Papa Donald, if you were in the hospital we would have told the nurses NOT to let you watch any of the games. Speaking of things we would want to keep from you, so your heart could heal and you could get stronger,  we would not have told you about what happened in Pittsburgh today. Or about the bombs mailed to politicians on the left and various large companies that might not support Trump. Daddy, is it weird tha...

Dear Daddy, I kind of want to start these letters with "Hi Daddy" instead...I think I might do that...but anyway. I just listened to "our song", the song I never wanted to hear again, the song that I wake up with stuck in my head more often than not; I listened to it. I don't know why, but I figured since I've been listening to it for weeks on end in my head, I might as well hear the real thing. So I listened to it. It was not the same hearing it out-loud as it is hearing it in my head.   I listened to it twice and I cried. Lullaby by Billy Joel. Who knew that an innocent lullaby a famous musician wrote to his daughter (another Alexa!) would be such a meaningful song in my life and throughout our relationship. It's not that we listened to this song frequently, we didn't. There are hundreds of songs you and I listened to together more than we have ever listened to this song, but those are not "our songs". I have always known that it was ...

Hi Daddy, Today was the first day I felt like myself (not counting Morocco). It wasn't all day, but at work this afternoon I actually wanted to be there. As soon as I got in the car to go home I wanted to call you and tell you. I had the thought to give you a call 6 times on the drive home, and each time I had to remind myself that I couldn't. Not because you were at a meeting, at a protest, or left your phone at home, but because you can never answer your phone again. This is making me cry right now, and I wanted to focus on other things in this entry. Daddy, here is a list of all the little things I've wanted to call or text you about in the past few days- I'm going to be at the Churwin's for the first night of the World Series, but DON'T WORRY, I will not be in the same room (or on the same floor) as the TV.  The other night, I was at a restaurant and an old man walked by and he totally farted SO LOUD he probably shit his pants. It was definitely hi...

Dear Daddy, I don't like that time is passing. I don't like that with each minute that goes by I am moving further away from the last time we were together, or the last day we spoke, or the last day you opened your  eyes when I called your name, or the last day you squeezed my hand so hard you left a mark on my wrist.  I don't want another day to pass, but I don't have a choice, and you aren't here to talk me through it. Thirty-three years I got to spend with you, and I am grateful and thankful. I just feel that I got the short end of the stick. You were fine. And then you weren't. And my Daddy, the toughest and most ballsy guy I know was gone; his body turned against him. It's not okay. I know am lucky to have not only had a Dad like you, but to have a Dad like you for as many years as I did. But I hate the concept of time right now. Thirty-three years of having you here. How am I supposed to do that same length of time without you. The thirty-three y...

Dear Daddy, I got back from Morocco last night. I loved it there. You would have hated it (too much walking, not enough naps), but I loved it, especially Chefchaoen (the blue city).  I thought of you every time I saw a fire hydrant, I even took a picture of a few of them for you. I saw a Moroccan firetruck in action but wasn't able to get a picture. I thought of you then, too. On the trip, there were times when I felt like life was great, the way I usually feel when I am traveling. But then I'd remember. People were sharing stories of their parents, and none of them knew my pain. Older couples enjoying another vacation together reminded me that Mom will never get to go on another trip with you.  I didn't want to be a "Debbie Downer", so I only brought it up when appropriate, which is always awkward. In my head, I kept you alive and at home. Out-loud, I spoke of you in the present. It wasn't, "My dad loved fire trucks" but "My dad loves fire ...

Dear Daddy, I think it's finally starting to hit me. It's been two months without you.  Its been two months since I got to hold your hand, kiss your forehead, and talk to you. It's been over two months since you saw me walking into your hospital room. Over two months since we watched The Three Stooges.  It's almost three months since I heard your voice, assuring me I'd be stuck with you for 50 more years. It's been over three months since our last family dinner, and last family photo. It's so hard to explain how I'm feeling. Remember my relationship in Baltimore that ended badly? How that felt like my heart was being stomped on, I was being stabbed in the back, and my whole world was unraveling around me? I lost friends, my reputation was being trashed, and my general mood was depressed. I cried so much. I did everything I could to make myself feel better. Therapy, dance, jiu-jitsu, muay thai, work, even 12 step programs I most certainly didn't f...

Dear Daddy, Today was a tough day.  I'm not quite sure why, but it was hard to get myself up and out of bed today.  It just felt heavy. I can still feel it a bit now as I sit here...between my shoulder blades, pressing down onto my spine. It doesn't hurt, it just feels heavy. Everything was reminding me of you today. The news that "Dunkin' Donuts" is changing their name to "Dunkin'" reminded me of getting donuts with you every Sunday. One jelly (powdered sugar preferred) for me, one french cruller for you. The old man in the elevator with that look like he was on a mission, and the elevator was moving too slowly for him to do his part as quickly as he wanted, reminded me of you pretty much because that was "you". The tiny old woman at CVS that carried her items in her hands rather than use a small paper bag (because she wanted to save the environment) reminded me of you the worst. At first, I was annoyed. She was taking her time...

Dear Daddy, It's really hard for me to fall asleep at night knowing you are not at home with mom and Shuggy. I haven't lived at home in over 15 years, but since you've been gone it's like I can feel you are missing from the bed you should be sleeping in. It's unsettling to go to sleep knowing someone is not in their bed like they ought to be (is this what parents feel like when their teens are out late?). Shuggy wont go on the bed anymore. You are missed so much. I miss you all the way to Fisherville and back. Love, Alexa

Dear Daddy, Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am. It took three nurses, fentanyl, propofol, and anesthesia to keep you flat in bed and you still sat up and tried to remove the wires from your body. There's a reason they kept you super sedated after that (because being on essentially horse tranquilizers wasn't working). You're strong. All the doctors said so. Every one on the medical staff was impressed by you. Of course I'M strong, I'm just like my dad. But it doesn't mean I'm not  hurting. I most certainly fall to pieces behind closed doors. I miss him every day. I wish I could get one more hug. Not a bear hug, though, one of his "making fun of mom" hugs where he flaps his hands and over exaggerates the cheek kisses way too much.... You know, a regular hug. The new normal is anything but. Daddy, I miss you so much. There's so much I want to tell you. Your missing so many big and small events... and there's an unknown amount ...

Dear Daddy, When I was little and it was the High Holy Days I used to go to temple with my parents. Apples and honey, "Temple Survival Kits", changing the words to prayers (you shmoe)...all remind me of you, Dad. I used to wish/pray/hope whatever it is that people do, that everyone I loved would make it into the book of life. Of course myself, always my parents, and sometimes even Nate. The time between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur was always refreshing. Apologizing for mistakes, fixing things, and clearing the air. I remember one time I wasn't behaving well and Daddy "yelled" at me, I told him he can't yell at me during the High Holy Days and fixed his behavior straight away. As I got older, I realized that there were people in the room with me that would not be "written in" to this magical book. I would feel sad for them but always hoped/prayed/wished only the elderly would be written in. Never children. Never my family. I wanted every...

Dear Daddy, Who do I call when you are the only person I need to talk to? Love, Alexa

Dear Daddy, I was naive before. This is heartbreak. Love, Alexa

Dear Daddy,  Word on the street is that there were 450-500+ people at Daddy's celebration of life. 150+ had to be out side listening by speakers due to fire hazards. Completely blown away.  Love, Alexa

To get caught up on where I am starting from today, please visit:  https://www.caringbridge.org/visit/kennethroos