On Time (10/17/18)

Dear Daddy,

I don't like that time is passing. I don't like that with each minute that goes by I am moving further away from the last time we were together, or the last day we spoke, or the last day you opened your  eyes when I called your name, or the last day you squeezed my hand so hard you left a mark on my wrist.  I don't want another day to pass, but I don't have a choice, and you aren't here to talk me through it.

Thirty-three years I got to spend with you, and I am grateful and thankful. I just feel that I got the short end of the stick. You were fine. And then you weren't. And my Daddy, the toughest and most ballsy guy I know was gone; his body turned against him. It's not okay. I know am lucky to have not only had a Dad like you, but to have a Dad like you for as many years as I did. But I hate the concept of time right now.

Thirty-three years of having you here. How am I supposed to do that same length of time without you. The thirty-three years I've lived so far have been my entire life. All the good times, bad times, and in between times, you have been there for it. How am I supposed to go the rest of the way without you? What happens if I live to be 67? I can't have my life have my Daddy in it for less than half of it.  I know you would tell me not to think about the future, and just focus on the present, but Daddy I don't want to. I don't want this to be my present.

I have been through so much, Daddy, I feel like the universe is punishing me. I'm sorry for whatever it was I did, Universe, but I don't know how much more I can take. I am trying my best to be strong and stay in the moment. I am trying my best to move forward, but it hurts so bad to be leaving you behind.

I just want to be with you, Daddy. I wish you were here.

I love you so much and I am so sorry this happened to you. You deserved so much more.

Love,

Alexa

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