On Things I wanted to tell you (10/28/18)
Hey Daddy,
Can you come check the vent in my bathroom? It's making a weird metallic sound and I need you to come down here and look at it, wiggle the vent a bit, and then tell me to call my landlord.
Did you see that the Red Sox are in the World Series? I was in the room during two of the games and they lost, but last night I was in the room and I wasn't watching and they won! I reversed my curse! I'm glad you aren't able to watch the games, because I think you would have definitely had another heart attack. I'm not trying to be funny, but just like Papa Donald, if you were in the hospital we would have told the nurses NOT to let you watch any of the games.
Speaking of things we would want to keep from you, so your heart could heal and you could get stronger, we would not have told you about what happened in Pittsburgh today. Or about the bombs mailed to politicians on the left and various large companies that might not support Trump.
Daddy, is it weird that I like to imagine a world where you didn't die?
In that world, you'd be in the hospital still. Maybe on Blake 8. I bet you would be sitting up already, talking (maybe slower than usual but we'd understand you), and feeding yourself - at the very least. Maybe today would have been the day you walked your first lap around the unit? The dialysis machine would be annoying the shit out of you, but you're on a wait-list for a kidney and we've all just taken blood tests to see if we are matches for you. Just be patient.
In this world, my life in all other aspects would be the same as it is now. I'm stressed out, worried about money, and fighting Lyme...but pretty much every day after work I go to MGH to see you. Sometimes Leah comes with me. Mom stays with you on the weekends and visits pretty much every day that she isn't doing her weird-yoga shit, volunteering at The Children's Place, or at one of her meetings. Nate's here a lot - he's going to have his knee surgery at MGH, that would make things easier. Heather was just here for a few days, she wore her hoop earrings just for you.
Karen stops by with cupcakes for us and applesauce for you (you have to eat healthy, no cupcakes until your party). Aunt Ellen comes in and reads to you from a book about the Red Sox. Uncle Peter comes and makes small chat, and lets you watch a bit of the World Series (but only if we are winning by a lot). And Lainie.....oh Auntie Lainie has been harassing the nurses for any and all information there ever could be about anyone in a situation like yours, in the hospital, ever. She might have been banned by this point 🤣
Carmie and Randy bring dinner. Leah and Prager bring nail-polish and I FINALLY get to paint your toe nails (mom made me wait). Livi stops by to tell you she's pregnant and shows you pictures of the ultrasound. Your Union buddies are constantly in and out. You are the most popular patient. The Rabbi has been here a bunch. Friends and family from all over send cards and well wishes and try to stop by. We are bringing Shuggy in for another visit tomorrow. We basically own that floor. We know all the staff, and they are amazing.
I bet you like your room with all the pictures and cards we hung up. I bet the "List of Things Daddy Owes Us When He Gets Better" is really long. I bet you are looking forward to tackling that list. First stop, Barbados. I wonder what else we put on there 🤔
Do you like your nurses? I think you would really like Lisa the most. But also Michelle, Jessica, and Katie. Was there a Molly? I can't remember. But they are all awesome and amazing and helping you get stronger.
In this world, I can call you whenever I get in the car on my way home from work. You can hear me, and listen, and think about things, and give me advice. Or just listen, and do your "Hmmm...." before taking in a sharp breath and saying quite frankly "Yup. Well...you have to keep going" even if that's not what I wanted to hear.
I wish I lived in that world. At least you would be there. Maybe not 100% healthy, and maybe a bit grumpy and frustrated and annoyed and exhausted, but you would be there. We could just sit together, watching The Three Stooges while I knit. I bet I finished that red blanket I was working on. Which would mean I won the race, but it's not really a race, but more a measure of time gone by. I wish, in this world, I was knitting blanket number 2 right now, and getting ready to start a third. We'd see how many blankets I could make by the time you got discharged.
I would get to hug you every day. I could just sit with you and do nothing. I'd show you pictures from Nate's birthday trip, and my trip to Morocco. You'd make fun of the pants I bought and we'd both laugh. I brought you that marmalade and you eat it on your toast every morning. You are getting stronger. I love making you smile and laugh, I love that your eyes light up when I enter the room or call your name.
I miss you, Daddy.
I love you the most,
-Exa
Can you come check the vent in my bathroom? It's making a weird metallic sound and I need you to come down here and look at it, wiggle the vent a bit, and then tell me to call my landlord.
Did you see that the Red Sox are in the World Series? I was in the room during two of the games and they lost, but last night I was in the room and I wasn't watching and they won! I reversed my curse! I'm glad you aren't able to watch the games, because I think you would have definitely had another heart attack. I'm not trying to be funny, but just like Papa Donald, if you were in the hospital we would have told the nurses NOT to let you watch any of the games.
Speaking of things we would want to keep from you, so your heart could heal and you could get stronger, we would not have told you about what happened in Pittsburgh today. Or about the bombs mailed to politicians on the left and various large companies that might not support Trump.
Daddy, is it weird that I like to imagine a world where you didn't die?
In that world, you'd be in the hospital still. Maybe on Blake 8. I bet you would be sitting up already, talking (maybe slower than usual but we'd understand you), and feeding yourself - at the very least. Maybe today would have been the day you walked your first lap around the unit? The dialysis machine would be annoying the shit out of you, but you're on a wait-list for a kidney and we've all just taken blood tests to see if we are matches for you. Just be patient.
In this world, my life in all other aspects would be the same as it is now. I'm stressed out, worried about money, and fighting Lyme...but pretty much every day after work I go to MGH to see you. Sometimes Leah comes with me. Mom stays with you on the weekends and visits pretty much every day that she isn't doing her weird-yoga shit, volunteering at The Children's Place, or at one of her meetings. Nate's here a lot - he's going to have his knee surgery at MGH, that would make things easier. Heather was just here for a few days, she wore her hoop earrings just for you.
Karen stops by with cupcakes for us and applesauce for you (you have to eat healthy, no cupcakes until your party). Aunt Ellen comes in and reads to you from a book about the Red Sox. Uncle Peter comes and makes small chat, and lets you watch a bit of the World Series (but only if we are winning by a lot). And Lainie.....oh Auntie Lainie has been harassing the nurses for any and all information there ever could be about anyone in a situation like yours, in the hospital, ever. She might have been banned by this point 🤣
Carmie and Randy bring dinner. Leah and Prager bring nail-polish and I FINALLY get to paint your toe nails (mom made me wait). Livi stops by to tell you she's pregnant and shows you pictures of the ultrasound. Your Union buddies are constantly in and out. You are the most popular patient. The Rabbi has been here a bunch. Friends and family from all over send cards and well wishes and try to stop by. We are bringing Shuggy in for another visit tomorrow. We basically own that floor. We know all the staff, and they are amazing.
I bet you like your room with all the pictures and cards we hung up. I bet the "List of Things Daddy Owes Us When He Gets Better" is really long. I bet you are looking forward to tackling that list. First stop, Barbados. I wonder what else we put on there 🤔
Do you like your nurses? I think you would really like Lisa the most. But also Michelle, Jessica, and Katie. Was there a Molly? I can't remember. But they are all awesome and amazing and helping you get stronger.
In this world, I can call you whenever I get in the car on my way home from work. You can hear me, and listen, and think about things, and give me advice. Or just listen, and do your "Hmmm...." before taking in a sharp breath and saying quite frankly "Yup. Well...you have to keep going" even if that's not what I wanted to hear.
I wish I lived in that world. At least you would be there. Maybe not 100% healthy, and maybe a bit grumpy and frustrated and annoyed and exhausted, but you would be there. We could just sit together, watching The Three Stooges while I knit. I bet I finished that red blanket I was working on. Which would mean I won the race, but it's not really a race, but more a measure of time gone by. I wish, in this world, I was knitting blanket number 2 right now, and getting ready to start a third. We'd see how many blankets I could make by the time you got discharged.
I would get to hug you every day. I could just sit with you and do nothing. I'd show you pictures from Nate's birthday trip, and my trip to Morocco. You'd make fun of the pants I bought and we'd both laugh. I brought you that marmalade and you eat it on your toast every morning. You are getting stronger. I love making you smile and laugh, I love that your eyes light up when I enter the room or call your name.
I miss you, Daddy.
I love you the most,
-Exa
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