Dear Daddy,

Hi Daddy, Today, driving home to Waltham from NH the four songs I played for you on your last day played in a row on Spotify. What are the odds? I have thousands of songs. Those 4 played, one after the other. It started with Lullaby, thanks for that. Each one got a bit easier, and when it was over you played 3 more Billy Joel songs that I belted out the choruses to. Love you. Miss you. Wish you could come back soon. Love, Alexa

Hi Daddy, I wrote this yesterday before I finally came downstairs for dessert. Today is just a shitty Thursday It isn't Thanksgiving I feel like shit and am still in my pajamas It's been four days since my last shower. I don't want to eat unless it's by myself No happiness should be felt What I was most thankful for is gone You won't be at the table So I'm not celebrating Today I'll stay in bed and  ignore it all Today is just a shitty Thursday Love, Alexa

I am made of steel. My dad should be here today. Everything is fine.

Hi Daddy, I saw Hanson the other night at the Orpheum. The last time I was there was with you and mom to see Phantom of the Opera. I remember how the chandelier fell at the very beginning, and I was scared I jumped up onto your lap (and got a nosebleed). You joked that you shouldn't have bought me a ticket, because I spent the entire show sitting on your lap. My seats for Hanson were not too far from our seats at Phantom. The show was amazing, Daddy. They had a full orchestra and some new songs, but did a lot of their "old songs" with the orchestra...and it was phenomenal. I wish I could relive that concert, or see it again. I don't think I will experience something quite like it again. I only cried a tiny bit, Daddy. Nothing crazy at all. In fact, I cried more when they were at House of Blues last year. As beautiful as it would sound to hear "With You In Your Dreams" or "I Will Come to You" with an orchestra, I am glad I didn't. I wanted t...

Hi Daddy, Can you tell the universe to relax for a minute? I know I  am strong but I am not strong enough for all of this. Losing you, having to move, new (icky but more expensive) apartment, MIA ex-roommate that owes money but the collections agency is calling me, getting dumped over a text, struggling at work, losing "friends", signing up for a grief support group and then having it be cancelled, medical bills, car repairs, student loans....there is no more room on my plate, Daddy. I have a freaking serving tray full, and I'm about to drop it all. Need you to do whatever it is you can do wherever you are to help me fix this one. Thanks. Love, Alexa

Daddy, it's not fair. I only got 33 years with you. That's not enough. You didn't get to walk me down the aisle, or see me get my PhD, or discuss the election (like wtf do I do about question 1???), or be a grandfather, or celebrate your 65th birthday next year with us in Costa Rica like we'd been planning behind Mom's back, or a million other things we could have done. Thanksgivings, birthdays, vacations, rallies, shows, fire truck museums...you're going to miss so many things, Daddy. You missed my trip to Morocco. You're missing the opportunity to talk me down right now. I could really use you now. I just want this to not be real. I feel like everyone just wants me to be okay and be "healed" already. I don't think this is something someone can "heal" from. Do I just have to not think about it and that's how I get through it? Ignore the fact that you're not here for the rest of my life so that I can be "okay...

Hi Daddy, Nothing's wrong. I just wanted to talk. Is it always going to feel this way? I was thinking in the car on my drive home, I didn't realize how naive and unaware I was. No matter how many countries I've traveled to, rooftops I've climb on, horrible first dates I've had, questionable decisions I've made in public, or dance floors I've pelvic thrusted on, I was blissfully unaware of the true dangers in this world. I can handle myself in a dark alley or parking lot. I can deal with creepy guys that need to be reminded how to behave. I can help a convicted murderer work through her PTSD. I can teach parents how to be better parents. I can convince 6th graders to stay in school one more year before choosing to drop out and be a drug dealer in the inner city.  I can take up issue with one of the worlds richest people and biggest companies and not settle for less. But this? I can't handle this. Before you died, I had no idea how awful things rea...