On Fairness (11/4/18)

Daddy, it's not fair.

I only got 33 years with you. That's not enough. You didn't get to walk me down the aisle, or see me get my PhD, or discuss the election (like wtf do I do about question 1???), or be a grandfather, or celebrate your 65th birthday next year with us in Costa Rica like we'd been planning behind Mom's back, or a million other things we could have done. Thanksgivings, birthdays, vacations, rallies, shows, fire truck museums...you're going to miss so many things, Daddy.

You missed my trip to Morocco. You're missing the opportunity to talk me down right now. I could really use you now.
I just want this to not be real.

I feel like everyone just wants me to be okay and be "healed" already. I don't think this is something someone can "heal" from.

Do I just have to not think about it and that's how I get through it? Ignore the fact that you're not here for the rest of my life so that I can be "okay"? Because when I think about it, it upsets me so much that I can't breathe and my face gets red and puffy and tears stain my couch.

Daddy, I just want you to be here. I miss you.

Love,

Alexa

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