On Lullaby (10/26/18)
Dear Daddy,
I kind of want to start these letters with "Hi Daddy" instead...I think I might do that...but anyway. I just listened to "our song", the song I never wanted to hear again, the song that I wake up with stuck in my head more often than not; I listened to it. I don't know why, but I figured since I've been listening to it for weeks on end in my head, I might as well hear the real thing. So I listened to it. It was not the same hearing it out-loud as it is hearing it in my head. I listened to it twice and I cried.
Lullaby by Billy Joel. Who knew that an innocent lullaby a famous musician wrote to his daughter (another Alexa!) would be such a meaningful song in my life and throughout our relationship. It's not that we listened to this song frequently, we didn't. There are hundreds of songs you and I listened to together more than we have ever listened to this song, but those are not "our songs". I have always known that it was "our song", it was almost like we owned it. No one else could have it.
After your first heart attack, when I was so upset on the phone and you were joking around, we talked about what we were both looking forward to with your upcoming "50 more years". You mentioned dancing with me on my wedding day, to Lullaby after I suggested something more along the lines of "Womp, There It Is" to highlight our amazing dance-floor skills. As soon as you said it, I knew you were right. It was a "Duh, Alexa!" moment. Like finding out you've been singing the wrong lyrics to a song and realizing it makes so much more sense now.
We listened to this song in the hospital, Daddy. That night I came and staying with you in Concord, I played it for you before I went to bed. We listened to it in Boston in both of your rooms. Once, in the Emerson building before a surgery, and a few times over in Blake at night before I left to go sleep. We listened to this song together the last time on July 29. I listened to it alone today, in my car, sitting in the sun.
The words have so much meaning. And I realized this in the hospital.
In one way, the song is from a father to his daughter as she falls asleep at night. Comforting her and reassuring they will get to do more together in the next day. Promising that he's always there for her, and will love her always. In fact, many of the memories he references in the song ring true to you and I. Another way to look at it is that it's about the passage of time. It's about how even though she's going to sleep and wont see him in her dreams, or maybe even the next day, or maybe there will be days as she grows older that they will be physically distant from each other, he is always there for her. In yet a different way, it is a song about death. This was your last lullaby, Daddy. And I think it was always meant to be that way. It's a song about how we are always in each others hearts, and that we will both always have each other. You will always be a part of me. As the song says, "Someday we'll all be gone, but lullabies go on and on - they never die. That's how you and I will be".
I really miss you, Daddy. Thank you for sharing this song with me. I love you the most and miss you every day. I just want one more hug, one more nose flick, one more silly laugh, one more big smile. I miss holding your hand in the hospital, and kissing your forehead goodnight. I wish things were different.
Love,
Alexa
I kind of want to start these letters with "Hi Daddy" instead...I think I might do that...but anyway. I just listened to "our song", the song I never wanted to hear again, the song that I wake up with stuck in my head more often than not; I listened to it. I don't know why, but I figured since I've been listening to it for weeks on end in my head, I might as well hear the real thing. So I listened to it. It was not the same hearing it out-loud as it is hearing it in my head. I listened to it twice and I cried.
Lullaby by Billy Joel. Who knew that an innocent lullaby a famous musician wrote to his daughter (another Alexa!) would be such a meaningful song in my life and throughout our relationship. It's not that we listened to this song frequently, we didn't. There are hundreds of songs you and I listened to together more than we have ever listened to this song, but those are not "our songs". I have always known that it was "our song", it was almost like we owned it. No one else could have it.
After your first heart attack, when I was so upset on the phone and you were joking around, we talked about what we were both looking forward to with your upcoming "50 more years". You mentioned dancing with me on my wedding day, to Lullaby after I suggested something more along the lines of "Womp, There It Is" to highlight our amazing dance-floor skills. As soon as you said it, I knew you were right. It was a "Duh, Alexa!" moment. Like finding out you've been singing the wrong lyrics to a song and realizing it makes so much more sense now.
We listened to this song in the hospital, Daddy. That night I came and staying with you in Concord, I played it for you before I went to bed. We listened to it in Boston in both of your rooms. Once, in the Emerson building before a surgery, and a few times over in Blake at night before I left to go sleep. We listened to this song together the last time on July 29. I listened to it alone today, in my car, sitting in the sun.
The words have so much meaning. And I realized this in the hospital.
In one way, the song is from a father to his daughter as she falls asleep at night. Comforting her and reassuring they will get to do more together in the next day. Promising that he's always there for her, and will love her always. In fact, many of the memories he references in the song ring true to you and I. Another way to look at it is that it's about the passage of time. It's about how even though she's going to sleep and wont see him in her dreams, or maybe even the next day, or maybe there will be days as she grows older that they will be physically distant from each other, he is always there for her. In yet a different way, it is a song about death. This was your last lullaby, Daddy. And I think it was always meant to be that way. It's a song about how we are always in each others hearts, and that we will both always have each other. You will always be a part of me. As the song says, "Someday we'll all be gone, but lullabies go on and on - they never die. That's how you and I will be".
I really miss you, Daddy. Thank you for sharing this song with me. I love you the most and miss you every day. I just want one more hug, one more nose flick, one more silly laugh, one more big smile. I miss holding your hand in the hospital, and kissing your forehead goodnight. I wish things were different.
Love,
Alexa
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