On Thoughts in the car (11/1/18)
Hi Daddy,
Nothing's wrong. I just wanted to talk. Is it always going to feel this way?
I was thinking in the car on my drive home, I didn't realize how naive and unaware I was. No matter how many countries I've traveled to, rooftops I've climb on, horrible first dates I've had, questionable decisions I've made in public, or dance floors I've pelvic thrusted on, I was blissfully unaware of the true dangers in this world.
I can handle myself in a dark alley or parking lot. I can deal with creepy guys that need to be reminded how to behave. I can help a convicted murderer work through her PTSD. I can teach parents how to be better parents. I can convince 6th graders to stay in school one more year before choosing to drop out and be a drug dealer in the inner city. I can take up issue with one of the worlds richest people and biggest companies and not settle for less. But this? I can't handle this.
Before you died, I had no idea how awful things really can be. Does everyone that has lost a parent forever see the world differently? Do they walk around with what feels like a cold rock shoved inside the chunk of their heart that got ripped out when their Daddy died? Will there always be tears and random crying? Will I always wish I had you here with me? I need a hug, Daddy. There's no one here, and you're not here.
My brain is going all over the place. There are so many thoughts. I'm sorry you had to die. I'm sorry the doctors couldn't help you. I'm sorry I didn't make you stay one more night at the hospital in Concord. I'm sorry you had to go. I'm sorry there wasn't anything I could do to change it. I'm sorry you had to know what was happening. I'm sorry you heard us talking and crying. I'm sorry we didn't get just a few more minutes together. I'm sorry I cried. I'm sorry I can't stop.
I keep picturing you trying to get out of the bed in Concord, with two nurses trying to hold you down and you being sedated....sitting all the way up and reaching for mom. I was there Daddy. I held your hand. Remember? You laid down. But you kept trying to get up. I talked to you, I hope it was comforting. You are my favorite. You are my hero. I love you.
We were with you. We didn't leave you alone. I spent the night, right down the hall. I wanted to spend the night in your room at the hospitals but they wouldn't let me. I wanted to curl up at your feet and go into surgery with you.
And now I am curled up on my couch, without my Daddy to talk me through this really tough time. And all I can do is think about how lucky people that have both their parents (or at least their one/two parents/guardians) are. If they have good relationships, or even the potential for a good one, they are in their prime. They are living the best days of their life, and have no idea whats coming. I am jealous. I want to feel that way again, and I never will. The best days are gone and it happened in an instant, and I was blissfully unaware, as per usual.
I thought I knew all about heartbreak and depression and love. I knew nothing of it at all. Now I know.
I know what love is now, and it makes sense why all my past relationships have failed. I did not love them the way I loved you. And they did not love me the way you loved me. I was confused between love and excitement. I get it now. But I wish I didn't have to learn it this way. I wish you could have just hit me upside the head and called me a "Ninny" or a "Schmoe" and told me what I was missing. You always gave it to me straight. Nothing was sugar coated. In some ways I guess this is your way of telling me, but it would have been better to get a bonk on the head and told the truth than to lose you completely to get the lesson learned.
That was a really long sentence. Whatever. You don't care about my grammar. U liek 2 type like this, thot u wuld aprciate ths sentnce.
Love you,
Alexa
Nothing's wrong. I just wanted to talk. Is it always going to feel this way?
I was thinking in the car on my drive home, I didn't realize how naive and unaware I was. No matter how many countries I've traveled to, rooftops I've climb on, horrible first dates I've had, questionable decisions I've made in public, or dance floors I've pelvic thrusted on, I was blissfully unaware of the true dangers in this world.
I can handle myself in a dark alley or parking lot. I can deal with creepy guys that need to be reminded how to behave. I can help a convicted murderer work through her PTSD. I can teach parents how to be better parents. I can convince 6th graders to stay in school one more year before choosing to drop out and be a drug dealer in the inner city. I can take up issue with one of the worlds richest people and biggest companies and not settle for less. But this? I can't handle this.
Before you died, I had no idea how awful things really can be. Does everyone that has lost a parent forever see the world differently? Do they walk around with what feels like a cold rock shoved inside the chunk of their heart that got ripped out when their Daddy died? Will there always be tears and random crying? Will I always wish I had you here with me? I need a hug, Daddy. There's no one here, and you're not here.
My brain is going all over the place. There are so many thoughts. I'm sorry you had to die. I'm sorry the doctors couldn't help you. I'm sorry I didn't make you stay one more night at the hospital in Concord. I'm sorry you had to go. I'm sorry there wasn't anything I could do to change it. I'm sorry you had to know what was happening. I'm sorry you heard us talking and crying. I'm sorry we didn't get just a few more minutes together. I'm sorry I cried. I'm sorry I can't stop.
I keep picturing you trying to get out of the bed in Concord, with two nurses trying to hold you down and you being sedated....sitting all the way up and reaching for mom. I was there Daddy. I held your hand. Remember? You laid down. But you kept trying to get up. I talked to you, I hope it was comforting. You are my favorite. You are my hero. I love you.
We were with you. We didn't leave you alone. I spent the night, right down the hall. I wanted to spend the night in your room at the hospitals but they wouldn't let me. I wanted to curl up at your feet and go into surgery with you.
And now I am curled up on my couch, without my Daddy to talk me through this really tough time. And all I can do is think about how lucky people that have both their parents (or at least their one/two parents/guardians) are. If they have good relationships, or even the potential for a good one, they are in their prime. They are living the best days of their life, and have no idea whats coming. I am jealous. I want to feel that way again, and I never will. The best days are gone and it happened in an instant, and I was blissfully unaware, as per usual.
I thought I knew all about heartbreak and depression and love. I knew nothing of it at all. Now I know.
I know what love is now, and it makes sense why all my past relationships have failed. I did not love them the way I loved you. And they did not love me the way you loved me. I was confused between love and excitement. I get it now. But I wish I didn't have to learn it this way. I wish you could have just hit me upside the head and called me a "Ninny" or a "Schmoe" and told me what I was missing. You always gave it to me straight. Nothing was sugar coated. In some ways I guess this is your way of telling me, but it would have been better to get a bonk on the head and told the truth than to lose you completely to get the lesson learned.
That was a really long sentence. Whatever. You don't care about my grammar. U liek 2 type like this, thot u wuld aprciate ths sentnce.
Love you,
Alexa
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