On being strong (9/22/18)

Dear Daddy,

Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am.
It took three nurses, fentanyl, propofol, and anesthesia to keep you flat in bed and you still sat up and tried to remove the wires from your body. There's a reason they kept you super sedated after that (because being on essentially horse tranquilizers wasn't working). You're strong. All the doctors said so. Every one on the medical staff was impressed by you.
Of course I'M strong, I'm just like my dad. But it doesn't mean I'm not hurting. I most certainly fall to pieces behind closed doors. I miss him every day. I wish I could get one more hug. Not a bear hug, though, one of his "making fun of mom" hugs where he flaps his hands and over exaggerates the cheek kisses way too much.... You know, a regular hug.
The new normal is anything but. Daddy, I miss you so much. There's so much I want to tell you. Your missing so many big and small events... and there's an unknown amount to come you will miss as well. I can't quite grasp the realness of it yet.
Here's hoping I see you in my dreams. Love you all the way to Fisherville and back, forever.
-Schmoesphine

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